Well maybe one (or all) of these scenarios apply to your situation. You get along better with him than anyone else. You “get” each other. He’s the only guy that you’ve ever felt truly understands you and with whom you can truly be yourself. He’s cute, he’s funny, and when he’s around you, he completely let’s his guard down. You get to see him as the man he truly is – an unguarded version of himself that he hides from the world and only seems to let you see.
So why, in the midst of this seemingly perfect situation, aren’t you any more than friends? Or worse, why (when you told him how you felt about him) does he say, “I really love you. You’re the most important girl in the world to me and I’ll always be there for you but I can’t be in a relationship with you – we need to just be friends.”
Why Do Men Keep Women In The Friend Zone
Why Men Friend Zone Women And Sleep With Them Anyway
It’s unbelievably manipulative of men to sleep with women they know they don’t want a relationship withHannah, 23”The reason were more likely to talk about friend-zoning from a male perspective, she thinks, is that “men joke about it among themselves and will continue trying [to progress from the friend zone], whereas for women its a bit embarrassing to talk about.” Instead, they get over it and move on in silence.Hannah, 23, has been friend-zoned five times. “What normally happens is I make considerable effort either online or in person to flirt and whatnot, and they either want to just hook up or have nothing to do with me.” Like the others, Hannah also maintains its just as likely to happen to straight women as men in the context of heterosexual dating.”The difference is that men will still sleep with the woman they’ve friend-zoned, and the term ghosting encompasses this new territory. Women don’t want to sleep with the men they’ve friend-zoned. We respect ourselves and the other person too much to opt for the instant gratification of sex. It’s unbelievably manipulative of men to sleep with women they know they don’t want a relationship with.”
Take The Quiz: Does He Like You?
There are some great guys out there that have had their heart broken one to many times. And by the time they’re in your life, they have a lot of unclaimed baggage that they have yet to resolve. It’s an: “It’s not you, it’s me” situation, except it comes before any relationship has even happened.
Problem is, your feelings for him and what your relationship could be or should be are just an illusion. The reality is that when someone hasn’t healed past hurts and relationship wounds, they really aren’t ready to get into a new relationship.( For much more on this topic, make sure to read my article How Guys Deal With Breakups)
Now there have been times where the so-called damaged guy jumps into a relationship seemingly out of the blue after months or even years of lamenting about how “damaged” he is.
This can happen for a few reasons:
1) The new girl he jumps in with completely takes him out of that “mode” or “funk” he was caught up in. See, while you were listening to him sulk about his broken heart and smoothing his hair, new girl appeared out of nowhere as a limited-edition item. She attracted him and in some way made it clear (usually without a word) that if he wants her, he needs to act now or lose his shot.
It’s amazing how quickly a man will get his act together when he believes he might lose his shot at something. (Hint… hint… hint)
2) He knows he can put up a front and the new girl will buy it… at least, for a while. See, you know your friend, inside and out. But the new girl who just entered the picture is completely fresh – he can act like whomever he wants to appear to be and she’ll accept that that’s who he is. But with you, you know what he’s still struggling with … and he knows you know who he really is too.
Sometimes a guy just wants a vacation from himself and his problems.
Sure, these arrangements usually end up melting down (maybe in a week, a month or a year), but during that time he gets to postpone dealing with his issues and can numb his pain with a simple girl who doesn’t unearth any skeletons … for a while.
3) The new girl had the advantage of a fresh “mystique” – that is, he doesn’t know anything about her and she put up a dazzling that completely seduced him. The reality of relationships is that for them to move forward, they need to deepen over time. And part of deepening a relationship is knowing the other person more and more deeply and gaining a fuller understanding of who they are.
Your friend knows you deeply. But the dazzling new Cleopatra that stepped into the picture is a blank canvas – he can paint her up to be anything he wants to imagine that she is in his mind. The less he actually knows about her, the more he can fill in the gaps with his own fantasy.
It’s an illusion, but illusions can have tremendous power. Just ask the advertising industry.
The solution here and the first step to getting out of the friend zone in general:
Let’s keep talking about the damaged goods scenario though and why it can be a major trap if you don’t catch yourself.
You have feelings for your guy friend. You yourself have been a victim to your own fantasies and dreams about what you two could be together. Sure, maybe you weren’t drawing unicorns and rainbows with his name surrounded by hearts in your notebook, but you are definitely a strong believer that you’re “meant to be together.”
As romantic as all that sounds, it actually damages your chances for success in actually starting something. Let’s look at why:
To put it quite plainly, you want something that simply is not reality. The more you try to force reality, the more it’s going to feel like pressure to the guy friend and the more he’s going to shrink away from you and guard himself. He’ll stop feeling like he can trust you and he’ll start feeling like he’s a target for your own personal conquest.
Hollywood loves to spread this idea that if someone rejects you, you should just push harder and harder and harder and suddenly, some magic event will happen and you’ll end up together.
This is not reality. It’s better I give you a straight-up reality check because reality can be pretty cold when it comes to this kind of thing. The good news is that there’s a way to avoid this and possibly turn things around. Ironically the solution is: Move on.
Not in a dramatic, mean-spirited or punishing sort of way. I’m talking about moving on mentally and letting it go. Be cool with being just friends. And be honest with him and yourself when you make the decision that you’re happy just being friends (people can tell when you’re faking it).
It can actually be one of the greatest lessons to learn to truly let a crush go and accept just being friends. It’s compassionate and respectful to them. And it also gives the other person the psychological “space” to possibly grow feelings for you at some point down the line.
Letting go and just being friends can be something you just do silently within yourself. It doesn’t need to be a talk or event – you just simply decide you’re going to shift your attention onto appreciating him for who he is and the fact that you have someone who you enjoy having in your life.
2. He’s not attracted to you “in that way”.
OK, this one can definitely hit you like a brick. I remember back in high school when I had a devastating crush on my best female friend. We’d chat on the phone constantly. We’d hang out all the time. We got along great.
When I finally spilled my guts about my feelings for her, she said she just didn’t have “those kind of feelings” for me. She loved me like a brother. She saw me as just a friend. Ouch. I have to imagine the sting is just as bad for a girl when she hears that message from a guy friend she has feelings for.
Well, even if your guy isn’t “damaged goods,” I hope you read the last section because backing off is a required first step if you want to get out of the friend zone and possibly (even remotely) have a shot at having something more with him. You must truly be OK with being just friends right now. Accept it and enjoy your guy friend as a guy friend.
It might be tough, but if you add gravity to the situation or romanticize it or dramatize it, it will be 100 times tougher. What I mean is don’t talk like you’re just friends, but then in your mind plan your wedding day and the love story that led to it. Don’t cry and moan to your friends about how it’s not fair and how it shouldn’t be this way. Gracefully and maturely accept it. It’s not easy, but if you can’t truly do this, you can kiss your chances of getting out of the friend zone goodbye.
So now that you’re just friends and you’re cool with it, it’s time for a personal reinvention. A head-to-toe makeover, inside and out.
I know some of you in the audience are about to throw something at me and scream, “Why should **I** have to change for him? He should just love me for me! I’m not changing for anyone, that’s so desperate and lame.”
But this article is called “How to Get Out of the Friend Zone” and not “How to Do Everything You’ve Been Doing All Along and Magically Get Different Results.” See my point?
If you want this guy and want a different result than what you’re getting, it’s clear that you need to change what you’ve been doing. That may be hard to swallow, but when you think it through it’s pretty clear.
Of course, you could just decide to give up and find another guy that appreciates you exactly as you are. And that’s fine… maybe that’s even the better move in the long run. However, the fact that you’re reading this tells me that you probably have already tried that or you’ve looked and there’s nobody else who’s impressed you as much as this one guy.
So let’s talk about the game-plan (and I’m going to warn you, I’m not sugarcoating this – it’s a blunt, no-punches-pulled guide)…