When You’re Accused of Cheating

If your partner keeps accusing you of cheating it often means they’re projecting their insecurities onto you. They may be misunderstanding a few of your actions, but largely it’s due to trust issues. They may even have possessive traits and try to control you. In more extreme cases, they could be the ones cheating.

My Husband Constantly Accuses Me Of Cheating And Lying | Paul Friedman

They are not ready to let go.

While they might make noises to the contrary, your partner is revealing their trust issues. They don’t trust relationships, they don’t trust themselves, and they are having difficulty trusting what you say and do. They may not see it that way, but this is how it is.

It’s critical to ensure that you’re boundaried, so you’re clear on where you end and they begin. This allows you to own your side of the street so that you can get clear about whether you are, whether it’s consciously or not, triggering your partner’s behaviour?

  • Are you a flirt?
  • Do you blow hot and cold?
  • Do you have a wandering eye?
  • Are you secretive or withdrawn, maybe even emotionally unavailable?
  • Are you engaging with an ex who you know still wants to get back with you? Or do you have an ambiguous friendship where you behave as if you’re their partner?
  • If you’re doing any of the above, as uncomfortable as it might be to hear, you are gaslighting your partner if you’re downplaying or even dismissing their concerns.

    Flirting with others, for example, might seem OK to you because, in your mind, it’s not as if you action it. You might not call it ‘flirting’; you might say that you’re ‘just chatting’ or ‘having a laugh’. But if you’re doing this and then telling your partner that it’s all in their imagination, you’re messing with their head. Same for if you’re calling them insecure, needy or dramatic.

    Humans have a basic need for safety and security, and the above examples are destabilising.

    If you have something to take responsibility for in this, it’s time for an honest conversation with yourself (and them) about what you’re doing together.

    If you’re not doing any of the above, but maybe your partner accuses you of cheating because, for example, you hang out with your friends instead of being with him/her all the time, again, try to get a sense of whether this relationship is workable. They may have very unrealistic expectations.

    While we can be sensitive to someone’s triggers, if we fall into the trap of walking on eggshells, we become less of who we really are.

    Been super busy at work lately? Maybe a bit too self-absorbed? Privately worried about something and finding yourself being closed off? Got a surprise in the pipeline and being secretive?

    If your partner isn’t used to the you that you are when you are anxious or overwhelmed, the distance from the lack of communication can be misconstrued as something else.

    Again, you don’t want to put yourself in the position of walking on eggshells. Part of being in a relationship though means needing to be sensitive to each other’s needs and natural insecurities.

    Yes, they could do with not jumping to the worst conclusion, but intimacy is vital to the health and wealth of your relationship. Shutting down cuts that off.

    You might be very aware that you withdraw into yourself when you’re super-stressed or that you need time to download, or that you’re rubbish at asking for help, but your partner isn’t a mind reader.

    Do you know what projection is? It’s taking your hidden feelings, thoughts and actions and then calling them someone else’s.

    And shady folk, so people who at best, take advantage and at worst, abuse you, base their accusations of what they think you’re doing on their actions. It’s just plain ole guilty conscience and gaslighting.

    If your partner is someone who is very fearful about cheating because they were cheated on or they watched their parents’ relationship(s) crumble under it, that’s about their emotional baggage, including their beliefs about relationships.

    Unless you have strong reason to believe that they are cheating (and there will be evidence in their character and actions), don’t assume that their accusations are projections.

    Some people when they find themselves on the receiving end of someone who habitually accuses them of cheating, eventually decide that if the person isn’t going to believe them, they might as well do it anyway. While I understand the frustration, this isn’t the way to handle the situation.

    It’s either time to walk away or tell your partner that in order for the relationship to continue, they need to double down on resolving their issues and commit to the relationship.

    Don’t give them any further chances to take their issues out on you. They’ll step up and address their issues with your support, or the relationship will end.

    Sometimes, someone who is terrified of trusting would rather walk away and feel right than run the risk of the vulnerability of trusting you.

    As a general guideline, if your partner persistently accuses you of cheating, or is consistently jealous and possessive, this is a code red alert. The relationship isn’t healthy. Control is not love.

    You either have to walk away and cut your losses or have such clear and healthy boundaries that this person has to deal with themselves.

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