okcupid can’t answer questions?

The notion that a series of questions can lead to love is appealing, as the recent popularity of the New York Times “36 Questions” experiment showed. OkCupids matching questions, the ingredients powering the dating sites mythical algorithm, touch on some fundamental topics that seem useful for connecting you to a like-minded mate. Answering the questions, you feel as though a strange but benevolent force is guiding you.

Answering a few of OkCupids questions might be an efficient way of finding someone worth dating. But if youre looking for a spiraling trip down a self-doubting rabbit hole so deep that youll completely forget you were looking for a mate in the first place, well, OkCupid has got you covered.

Ever since OkTrends revealed that “whether someone likes the taste of beer is the single best predictor of if he or she has sex on the first date,” Ive felt weirdly judged by this question. Also, is this really something I should be using to weed guys out?

I wish I could say “always.” But there are times, like when Im having dinner with my parents and my dad starts in on the “Why dont I have grandchildren yet?” business, that I instinctively channel all my energy into indignant, wine-flushed self-defense. I cannot account for what I do or do not manage to say at those moments.

In my high school environmental studies class, when studying the detrimental impact a pipeline through Alaska would have on wildlife, one girl asked: “If the animals are in the way of the pipeline, why dont we just, like, kill all the animals?” This question makes me think of her. I wonder what shes doing now. I bet shed kill all the mosquitoes — er, “mosqutoes.” I wouldnt. I care about ecosystems and the butterfly effect and everything like that. Im not a monster.Â

An ex of mine thought it was funny to pass gas in bed and then trap me under the covers, effectively hot-boxing me with noxious air. It was difficult to find anything humorous from that perspective. Its possible to be too comfortable, as it turns out. But this OkCupid thing is for finding my forever-love, and forever is a long time to, uh, hold back. I think?

Its actually a funny story, involving some old friends and an ongoing joke we share — well, probably not that funny to anybody else. Or relevant. How many of these questions deal with bodily functions and toilets? When do we get to the ones about how deserving I am of a man with beautiful arms and at least mediocre listening skills?

Once, OkC recommended me as a match to my brother. Not the websites fault, really, and my brother reasoned that it was bound to happen because we both answered “yes” to this question and rated believing in dinosaurs as “very Important” — even though Ive never been sure what “believe” means in this context. Believe like I believe in climate change? Or believe in a hopeful way, like in unicorns and men who text back in a timely fashion?Â

Well, goodness, this ones pretty revealing. If wed just started dating, it would be the spilled wine. If things got more serious, the cheating. But if we were serious for a long time, say a decade or so, and we finally felt ready to open our relationship, like wed been saying we would some day because were both so chill and our love is so strong and we are so devoted to both each other and the gospel of Dan Savage — never mind. Lets go with the cheating.

Now that I think about it, maybe? I mean, Im well aware that the city I live in, like many now-thriving places in the world where we all live and love and swipe in blissful ignorance, could some day be under a lot of water. But this isnt about the melting polar ice caps, is it? Now Im just sad. Not fascinated, just sad. And worried. Thanks, OkC.

Ive always wanted to be a squirrel (theyve got fabulous tails) or a penguin (for the belly-sliding). But in light of all the thought I just gave to the approaching global catastrophe, maybe I should pick an animal that lives in the water? Are people who choose “an animal that lives on land” actually stupid? Should I only date swimmers? Or only those prepared for the apocalypse? Are those apocalyptic dreams Ive been having lately trying to tell me something?Â

Answering Questions from OkCupid

36 Actual OkCupid Questions That Will Make You Lose Your Faith in Humanity

The notion that a series of questions can lead to love is appealing, as the recent popularity of the New York Times “36 Questions” experiment showed. OkCupids matching questions, the ingredients powering the dating sites mythical algorithm, touch on some fundamental topics that seem useful for connecting you to a like-minded mate. Answering the questions, you feel as though a strange but benevolent force is guiding you.

In my high school environmental studies class, when studying the detrimental impact a pipeline through Alaska would have on wildlife, one girl asked: “If the animals are in the way of the pipeline, why dont we just, like, kill all the animals?” This question makes me think of her. I wonder what shes doing now. I bet shed kill all the mosquitoes — er, “mosqutoes.” I wouldnt. I care about ecosystems and the butterfly effect and everything like that. Im not a monster.Â

Its actually a funny story, involving some old friends and an ongoing joke we share — well, probably not that funny to anybody else. Or relevant. How many of these questions deal with bodily functions and toilets? When do we get to the ones about how deserving I am of a man with beautiful arms and at least mediocre listening skills?

Ive always wanted to be a squirrel (theyve got fabulous tails) or a penguin (for the belly-sliding). But in light of all the thought I just gave to the approaching global catastrophe, maybe I should pick an animal that lives in the water? Are people who choose “an animal that lives on land” actually stupid? Should I only date swimmers? Or only those prepared for the apocalypse? Are those apocalyptic dreams Ive been having lately trying to tell me something?Â

I wish I could say “always.” But there are times, like when Im having dinner with my parents and my dad starts in on the “Why dont I have grandchildren yet?” business, that I instinctively channel all my energy into indignant, wine-flushed self-defense. I cannot account for what I do or do not manage to say at those moments.

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