Can a guy who’s happily married still be attracted to someone at work, and just downplay his feelings because he’s already married?

While it is a common first stage for a romantic relationship, crushes dont often lead to one. Crushes are especially known for being short-lived, and they are often pointed towards people who are unattainable, such as celebrities. This is especially common amongst young people who are just learning about romantic relationships. Though those feelings are very real and very strong, their crush will eventually fade and come to pass when those feelings are not reciprocated.

It seems that the majority of people will advise you to walk away and cut contact with this man. If youre capable of shutting your emotions off like that, its not such a bad idea. However, unless you are a robot, its not always that easy. Often you will be in a situation where you cant walk away, like at work, and you will still see the man every day.

Personally, I believe that sudden avoidance can be a big mistake. I feel that cutting feelings off suddenly can create an obsession. You will start to feel like a martyr, which will only cause you to feel more strongly towards him. And, if he has developed feelings for you in return, it will trigger his urge to pursue you.

Instead, I feel that you need to let your crush evolve and dwindle in its own good time. Remember, it is not love—love is so much more. Love is about sacrifice, time, and building a true connection with someone. What you have is a crush—it may be a strong one, but simply admitting this is a huge step forward. Crushes come to pass. Be friendly towards him, stay in control, keep your head on your shoulders, be honest with yourself, and give yourself time to sort things out.

Youre spending a lot of time and energy thinking about someone who you cant be with, so why dont you try using that energy on another passion? This could mean delving into a new hobby, starting a new exercise routine, making new friends, or even going out with the intention of meeting someone else.

The euphoria you get from having a crush probably has you looking at your most attractive—the people around you will notice you glowing from within. Take a look around: Who else is around who IS available? If you are already in a relationship yourself, can you spice things up with who you have? Crushes are all about thinking of an ideal world—you need to bring yourself back to reality and start thinking about how you can make your existing world more ideal.

Its important that you remember that his wife is a real person with emotions and feelings like anyone else. When you talk to him, mention his wife. Ask about how shes doing and try to care about her wellbeing. It will remind both you and him that she exists, and will indicate to him that you are being respectful of her and their relationship.

For example, if you love cats and he says cruel things about cats, focus on that! If he has ugly hands, remind yourself that you dont find them attractive! And, perhaps most importantly, if he does or says something ignorant, sexist, or otherwise prejudiced, keep it in the back of your mind. You wouldnt want to be with someone who is not respectful, thoughtful, or tolerant.

WHY YOU KEEP ATTRACTING MARRIED MEN | signs a married man is attracted to you

Help! I’m attracted to a married man – SheKnows

First of all, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling attracted to a married man. If he’s handsome and charming, then your body and mind will react with feelings of desire. It’s not wrong — it’s just part of being a woman. Go ahead and acknowledge to yourself (not him!) that you have a crush on him. If you stop denying your attraction and remove your internal shame from the picture, then you’re less likely to have negative feelings about yourself. You’re also less likely to obsess about him if you simply acknowledge that you have desire, which will allow the feelings to come and go.

Attraction is a funny thing. Because we are all sexual beings, we find ourselves feeling attracted to other people based upon our tastes, feelings and current state of mind. Here’s what you need to know to manage your attraction to a married man, so you don’t end up doing something you regret.

What If I Have a Crush on My Boss or Coworker?

You see your coworker every day, for eight hours a day. When you spend that much time together, and he is a charming, attractive man, its very possible that you can develop a crush on him. This makes avoiding him difficult, especially if you have to talk every day of the week. However, you can still make sure to keep your distance. Try to keep your conversations short and courteous, and try not to reveal too much of your personal life to him.

Even when youre not with him, avoid the temptation to answer personal emails, texts, and phone calls from him. If you must answer for work or an otherwise important matter, keep your response brief and impersonal. It may be difficult, but its important that you discourage any sort of intimate or private behavior.

Sometimes we look to men to validate us because we dont have enough self-confidence. However, it doesnt have to be that way. Remind yourself that youre worthy of love from someone who is able to devote themselves to you. Do something wonderful for yourself—take a holiday, give yourself a makeover, learn something new, try a new experience. You are a fabulous woman. Go out and live your best life!

Youre a beautiful person, inside and out—be sure to treat yourself right!

Problems only arise when you start to act upon your fantasies with someone who is already committed to someone else. Lets be honest here, youve probably read this far because you have a crush on someone whos taken and are looking for justification, redemption, or encouragement. You are probably considering what it would be like to have a serious relationship with him. Am I right? Im not judging you—Im understanding you. Ive been there.

Perhaps he is signaling back that he is interested too. Maybe he is indicating that something more could happen between you. Perhaps he is attempting to instigate an affair with you…and maybe youre considering it, despite the consequences. Unfortunately, if you are receiving positive signals, odds are that this man is simply feeding his own ego with your attention. If you take it any further, it will almost always end badly.

Even if you see it as just a simple, harmless affair, some women end up wanting a proper relationship in the long run. However, its not actually harmless—somewhere along the way, someone is going to get hurt.

When Ive had feelings for an unavailable man, I have always asked myself this (somewhat cliched) question: If hes willing to leave his wife for me, how could I trust that he wouldnt do the same to me in the future?

His wife is a real person with hopes, fears, dreams, and feelings. If youve never met her, it makes it very hard to believe that she actually exists, even though you know she does. It might seem less painful if you are able to forget that he goes home to her, but it will actually help you get over your crush if you think about her and how your actions might affect her. It kind of puts things in perspective, and it personally makes me feel a little angry with the man for putting both his wife and me in this situation—and that helps too.

Sometimes, when you go looking for advice on a topic like this, you will be judged badly. You will be perceived as a threat to anyone who is in or who has had a relationship. Almost everyone will take the high moral ground without considering any individual circumstances. However, despite what others might tell you, you are not a bad person.

You cant help who you like. However, you can help how you act upon your feelings, and thats what will determine if you are a good person or not.

He has a wife, and possibly a family—would you really want to take him away from her?

Having a crush on someone, whether theyre available or not, is absolutely normal. Playful flirting and games are part of basic human interaction, and feeling that you are attractive, interesting, and able to love is wonderful. It causes a physical and chemical reaction in our brains that makes us happy.

I dont believe it is possible to honestly deny a crush—when it happens, you just need to wait it out.

Some women repeatedly fall for unavailable men because they are afraid of commitment—either because theyre afraid of the hypothetical abandonment or because they hate feeling tied down. Others do so because they have low self-esteem, and receiving the affections of a man who seems “impossible” seems like the ultimate form of validation.

Whatever your case, take a minute of introspection to figure out why it is you find men more attractive when they are unattainable. Is it because, deep down, you are terrified of the idea of being with someone? Or is it because you want “proof” that youre worthy of someone? Once you know yourself well enough, you can take steps to address the underlying issues that cause you to fall into these patterns.

Committed relationships can and do end. Perhaps you are destined to have a relationship in the future with this man. However, keep in mind that if you are “the other woman”, “the mistress”, or “the homewrecker”, the chances of having a trustful, loving relationship with him if he ever becomes available are very, very slim.

No matter what, you should conduct yourself with dignity, self-respect, decency, and integrity. If at some point this mans marriage fails for a reason other than your interference, you have built the foundations for a solid relationship with him. But by then, you could be happily involved with someone else. There is always hope!

Question: I have a horrible crush on a married man. I have tried to avoid him for months on end, and have even attended a twelve step meeting to help me move on from him. Whenever I think I’m cured, I go back to see him once again. Im addicted to him. How do I ever get over the power he has over me?

Answer: This man is filling a void in your life, and while he is meeting that strong need, he will always have some degree of power over you.

I would suggest that, in order to move on, you try and identify exactly what you personally get from this man. Why do you want him? How does your relationship with him fulfil you? Be specific and detailed in your reply to yourself. Then consider what sort of things you could do to make yourself happy instead of sabotaging your life by going back to see him.

The flipside of this exercise is to write down everything negative you can think of about him. Be realistic. Look at the real person, not your ideal fantasy version of him. Find fault as much as possible. When you start avoiding him, record your resolve and your reasons for ending the relationship. That way, as time goes and you begin to crave him, you will be able to read over your notes. They will remind you of why you are not going to continue the harmful cycle of leaving him only to return and start all over again.

Most of all, know that your love is a precious gift and it is time to give it to someone who is worthy of you. You deserve so much better from life than someone who is unavailable to love you back. Once you stop focusing on him and open your eyes to opportunities, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Question: What if both of you are married?

Answer: Are we talking about a crush or a relationship between two married people? In the case of a crush, its just the same as if you are single. Having a crush on someone else when you are married is quite common, especially if the marriage is lacking in communication or excitement. If your crush has become a relationship, then it is time to seriously consider how the situation will affect your husband or wife and your families. It might be worth speaking to an impartial counselor or therapist to help you work through your feelings and decide the path you want to take.

Question: Should I tell this married man how I feel?

Answer: My immediate reaction to your question is no, you shouldnt tell him. However, every situation is different. Ask yourself what will be gained by telling him? Pursuing a relationship when he is unavailable will almost always lead to heartache: not just for you but for your families. Think carefully before doing anything that will cause harm. Telling him turns a crush from being something innocent to an active and intentional pursuit of a relationship, and you may not like where that ends up.

Question: What if you have a crush on someone who eventually gets married, and your crush doesnt go away?

Answer: I know its very hard, but I think in this situation you have to accept that this person has made a choice, and the choice sadly wasnt you. You will always have a soft spot in your heart for your crush, but its time for you to start looking for someone who can return your love. Eventually, your crush feelings will begin to fade as you fill your life with new experiences and opportunities.

Question: I have a crush on my married teacher at college, but he told me he is not interested, what do I do?

Answer: Its really difficult when you care for someone, but you have to move on. He is obviously committed to his wife, so if you keep pursuing him, he will resent you. Often we get crushes on people who have some kind of authority over us, such as a teacher or a boss. Were attracted to the status as well as the person. Look around college for other people you admire or respect who are single so you can distract yourself from this teacher.

Question: I have avoided him for a solid year. I saw him today and my feelings are still strong. Maybe some crushes take a lifetime to get rid of? We look deep in each other’s eyes. A year ago he kissed me on the lips on two different occasions. It seems more than lust. It’s a connection; not necessarily love. I do not like how I took a year to “cool off” and it’s like not a day went by.

Answer: Sometimes we feel a strong connection with someone without ever really understanding the reason. Its a shame that this unavailable man turned the connection into something sexual by kissing you. I dont know if all crushes just go away, but normally they do diminish over time. I feel that you value this connection and fear losing it. The problem with this is that by making it sexual, he has disrespected both you and his wife. You might always feel something for him, but it would be a lot easier for you in the long run if you could replace him in your heart with someone else, even for a short time. Caring about someone else can help break the invisible ties to him and weaken the bond. I wonder if simply naming this for what it is … a connection and not necessarily love … is the start of your becoming stronger and more able to move on. I wish there was an easy solution, but it takes time and for you to live your life to the fullest without him.

Question: What does it mean when a married man is in my bed every day?

Answer: It means that he cant choose between you and his wife. He may not be selfish, but usually, in this situation the man is putting his own happiness above everyone elses. You dont need someone who is emotionally unavailable in your bed. You deserve someone who is devoted to you.

Question: I am in love with a married man. We used to check on each other but that no longer happens. He demanded sex but I refused and I think thats why he quit … What to do?

Answer: I think you should count your blessings that you didnt get more involved with this man. If he stopped contacting you because you wouldnt give him the sex he demanded, then he is extremely selfish and uncaring about you or your feelings. I know that you feel longing for him, but please dont try and contact him. You deserve so much more than someone who treats you like that.

Question: I know who his wife is, and I feel terrible about my feelings and his attention towards me. Would it help at all to tell her how I feel? Not about what he has done but just to be open and honest. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this because I am married too. I guess I want to help her and him keep their family intact and mine too.

Answer: While your intentions are honorable, I would strongly suggest that you dont contact his wife. She will be hurt and confused, and will automatically blame you rather than seeing that her husband has encouraged your feelings. She will see it as an attempt by you to ruin her marriage, and she could retaliate by telling your husband or causing all sorts of trouble for you. Having a crush like yours can be incredibly lonely because people do not understand that you cant help who you love, and instead see you as a threat or a homewrecker. This is one of the main reasons why I wrote this article in the first place. I wanted people to realize that they are not horrible outcasts for crushing on someone unavailable, and I wanted to provide a forum for people to share their experiences and not feel alone. The best option for you, if possible, would be to remove yourself from being able to see this man and to seek help to reignite the passions of your own marriage. It will hurt, but you will know you are doing the right thing by everyone.

Question: There’s a man who works at the gym I go to; he’s thirty-three and has a girlfriend. I really like him. When he saw me today with makeup on and in my normal clothes he smiled and looking me up and down. Did I mention that I really like him? I don’t know what to do. How do I get him to like me? I’m a lot younger than him.

Answer: Having a girlfriend is a little different from being married, but I still think you need to be aware of respecting his relationship until you know where you stand. From his actions, its obvious that he thinks you are attractive. Perhaps see if there is a way to spend some time with him. Can you ask him to help you train, for example, or shout him a coffee at the gym cafe? If he isnt interested in a relationship with you, its likely he will mention his girlfriend to discourage you and then youll know to back off. To give yourself the best chance, try and make sure that he enjoys being around you. Relax and be yourself. If he is into you, hell find a way to let you know. For the sake of your own self-esteem, though, make sure he has broken up with his girlfriend before starting a proper relationship with him.

Question: Myself and this man at work have had eyes on each other for years. We have always talked. He is now married (no children) and now I am single. He wants to pursue me and now he has begun to send pictures of himself. It seems he wants to take this further, perhaps into the bedroom. I know that it is totally wrong if I do this, but my urge to be with him is so strong. What should I do?

Answer: You have said that you know it is totally wrong, so I feel that you already have the answer to your question. You shouldnt allow the relationship to go further until you are both single. Unless he leaves his wife, there will always be three in the bed, as she will always be in the back of your mind. This will be devastating for your self esteem. You seem like a strong person … stronger than the urge to be with him. The best action to take now that he is sending pictures is to ask him outright what his intentions are. Let him know that you are interested and attracted, but that you are not prepared to start anything while he is married. You will be able to gauge a lot from his reaction, and it will give you a better idea of what kind of person he really is.

Question: My guy friend is married but we are only friends. I respect him, but he keep saying his wife treats him badly. I think I like him. What should I do?

Answer: I think you should continue to be a good friend to him. Its okay to feel attracted, but try hard not to let your feelings for him turn into anything stronger. He might be manipulating you, or he might genuinely be being mistreated by his wife, but regardless, he is unavailable at the moment. If he leaves his wife, then you will be free to pursue a relationship with him.

Question: What if you are both married but both marriages are either pretty much over or very much headed that way? In my situation, his marriage is such that he is alone all the time. They sleep in separate rooms on separate floors. In mine, we have had no real intimacy in over three years because he is becoming a she. We are friends in my opinion because I am not attracted to women.

Answer: What is keeping you both from ending your marriages right now and starting a life together? I think if you can both have an honest conversation about that, you will be able to move forward accordingly. Are you certain that his marriage is in such a bad state? I ask because sometimes people are not entirely honest when trying to maintain two relationships at once. As for your marriage, under the circumstances, you would be perfectly justified in leaving and just remaining friends. Between all four of you, communication is the key.

© 2010 herpointofview

Always attracted to unavailable men on July 30, 2020:

Thank you so much! Very honest, empathetic yet logical! I needed this. ❤

Irene SImpson on June 11, 2020:

Hi … I work at a hospital and have a crush on security guard … for a year . I finally see him on a shift that I am working . I understand he is married but my crush is bad . I love talking to him but would ever take it to another level .

thatgurl on February 13, 2020:

This article says all the facts that a person may want or not to hear… I am a 21 year old who I could say fell in love with a 32 year old guy who is married with a child. This shit is hard to get over with since I see him almost everyday and even though I dont know the wife I still feel bad for wanting him and loving him the way that I do.. The problem is well I never talk about his wife or child and he doesnt talk about thrm either since am scared to bring that topic to him since he might get mad over it or sm and am not ready for that yet… Mind you we are not in any physical relationship yet but the mixed signals are driving me crazy… Judge me or whatsoever I know hes married and its not right but its been a year and the feelings are still there and I really dont know what to do or anyone to talk to the thing is He treats me as a friend not so sure though but he gets me confused… I promissed myself Ill try harder this time but nothings working after I see him then everything flies out the window and am back to the sick love puppy that I am and cant even say shit about it

Not that easy on October 14, 2019:

You say crushes are short-lived. Well, not mine. My first one, although not on a married man, lasted around 5 years! I tried to go out with different guys, I guess I even liked one or two. But not like that. Finally my crush passed just because I developed a new one. And the current one, god help me, has already lasted 2 years….. on a married man. Why, why, why!

June on October 11, 2019:

Yes I thought this was well written and offers good advice. It avoids being judgemental but it also encourages you to avoid the situation and retain your dignity.

Ohateme on October 03, 2019:

This situation is like a blame game deep down woman blame themselves n when things go out of our hands even those male blame us women try to help them in their broken marriage as a friend but men just want to confide n take advantage thn its like thy are sorry thy just want to be friends n its us we fell for them thts not true its from both sides but married men dont have the guts n courage like a women does we r stronger its just a phase time will heal

adaoops on September 13, 2019:

@whatalife Similar experience just happened to me. A married man with two kids, I met at the bus station. After on and off interactions with each other for many many times. He asked my name. I realized we had been chatting and laughing for almost a months without knowing each other’s name. Then he said he was thinking about asking earlier…..that he thought it was so rare to meet someone has the same catching bus schedule while he’s been taking the bus for many many years…..I don’t know, I guess I just let it be until one day everything vanishes……

Ema on September 03, 2019:

Well I am a young 20 years old girl, and I am in an organization in which we practice many skills.

Anyways, there is this guy who is the least expected guy for me to ever like.

He is from a different country/nationality, different language, and too many other differences.

But he is the only one I look at among 1000 of people I work with, and I actually feel something.

Thinking of our differences alone is a huge turnoff, but towards him it is all different.

We are not close friends, yet I initiated all these emotions out for him.

One day he was speaking and I noticed the rock on his hand. I just tried to deny the fact that he was wearing it, until he mentioned his wife. At the same night, he texted me and told me something funny about his son.

I was totally shocked knowing that he actually has kids too.

I know that crushing on him must be a huge no no.

But you never know how precious is it to feel that spark in someone’s eyes, and I only felt it with him.

whatalife on July 15, 2019:

Its been a year I guess. It is not love at first sight. He is a stranger. Totally a stranger. It just that I can see him because we were taking the same way to go to work. I cant remember when was the first time I start to developed feeling towards him. He dont even look like a married guy. I mean he looks young, cool (I think it just me). Surprisingly, he even has 2 kids. The fact that he has his own family, give me a reason to move on. But I cant get him out of my mind. I think about him every day. He dont even know me. Its really pain to love someone like this. I hope this feelings will soon fade and dissapear.

Suchagirl on July 12, 2019:

Amazing advice. Hard to follow as crushes are like dry leaves getting flown by breeze of attraction. Yet, i will follow the advice.

Ruth on July 11, 2019:

Been married for 22 years to an amazing man, we have two equally amazing kids, we both have great jobs and a life many would hope for. Over the past 5 years Ive gotten to know a man professionally who is 10 years younger than me, married (no kids), respected in the community, kind and super cute. Ive had a minor crush on him for most of the 5 years but never thought anything of it.

Fast forward to seven months ago when we were at a networking event, having a great time talking and laughing as we usually do. We had a few drinks, but neither of us were terribly drunk, just happy. We found ourselves alone in a deserted part of the building (somewhat intentionally). Suddenly he reach out and pulled me to him. I was shocked and when I looked up at him, he kissed me. I have to admit it was amazing – first time Ive been kissed by someone else than my husband since we started dating 26 years ago. We were together for about 10 minutes, I think, admitting to each other that we both had been crushing for years, in between more amazing kisses. Thats as far as it got, and we realized we should move on before anyone noticed.

The next week we talked and he said it was all “too close to home” and that it wasnt a good idea. I grudgingly agreed, although I was a little heartbroken. About 2 months later we met up for coffee and we both admitted we were still thinking about each other and interested in “seeing what happens.”

Since then weve seen or emailed each other here and there, but nothing ever came of it. Last month I left him a vmail expressing my interest in him even though I knew it was a bad idea. He left me a vmail back saying he was only interested in a friendly colleague relationship, that it wasnt because he wasnt attracted to me, but he was dealing with some family issues. I emailed him back that it was “all good” and no worries.

Yesterday we both were attending a professional event and I was surprised when he asked me for a ride. I got butterflies and started wondering if something would happen. We chatted pretty evenly the whole way there, and had a great time talking and laughing on the way home. When I dropped him off, he said he was “glad that were good” and I responded “of course were good”. There. Friendly colleagues. Disaster avoided.

Why then do I still feel like I am a teenager who just got broken up with? I KNOW BETTER than this, absolutely love my husband (whom Im still very attracted to and we have a good sex life) and would never want to break up my family, and hate the idea of cheating. But its been 7 months and I just cant get over these feelings. I have a feeling he may be in the same situation, but Im not about to ask. I fantasize about him constantly and feel so guilty, but to be honest, if he wanted to be with me today Im afraid Id go for it.

Thanks for listening, not sure if there is any advice, I know time will heal but in the meantime this is very disconcerting!

twoawesomedogs on June 26, 2019:

There is only ONE answer to that question: YOU LET IT GO. Dont act on it, dont play with fire, dont even entertain the notion. Move on! Dont mess with married men, EVER. They almost never leave their wives, and if he cheats WITH you, hell cheat ON you. Dont fool yourself – you can do better!

Andrea on June 23, 2019:

So there is this guy at work, who is a lot older than me and he is not even that hot, but he is smart, funny,i love his personality I love the way he treats me, and sometimes he makes me feel like he is interested on me, and I know he is married so I always try set distance, but I started to develop feelings for him, at the beginning we were really good friends and sometimes we will stay alone at work and we would talk and talk and time would go flying but i don’t know when things got really hot, that I would go home thinking about him now I’m trying so hard to avoid him, like every time he comes to me he is always trying to make me laugh, and I try it to keep it as friends, but when is getting personal I try to bring his wife or kids to the conversation and sometimes he ends up talking shit about her, and I always take her place, I always defend her like she was my friend, I even suggest him to do things with his wife, suggested places to travel with her. And I act upset when he says something bad about her, I’ve been in this situation for 2 years, sometimes I even try to be mean to him, to let him know I’m not interested even though I am, and I think he knows because he makes nervous. So don’t know what to do to stop acting nervous around him. And I’m also dating even my relationship is not great I’m trying to make it work, like I always tell my crush that my boyfriend is the best and that I’m very lucky to have him, I tell him about our trips and the good times and sometimes this works for a couple days and then is the same thing all over again, hopefully this feelings disappear.

Jenny on May 03, 2019:

Sylvia on Apri

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