My Husband Isn’t Attracted To My Physical Appearance
What to do if your spouse isn’t attracted to you anymore
“I don’t find you attractive anymore.” may be thought of as slightly more accusing than “I’m no longer attracted to you.” which might suggest taking some responsibility – there is a difference.
However, doubtless, it feels the same to you and its effect on you is probably a sense of utter devastation for you.
On one end of the scale, it may be an attempt to get you to take notice out of genuine concern for you and the survival of your marriage. But, on the other end of the scale, it’s a superficial, potentially abusive remark.
Here’s Julia’s letter – you decide which end of the scale his remark sits…
“My husband and I got married (we lived together for a year prior) and everything began to change. I got pregnant on our honeymoon which we both planned to do but everything just became different.
He became distant and we got into a lot of arguments. The love he used to show me stopped. I began to overcompensate, thinking it would help, but it didn’t.
He used to look at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world then started looking at other women that way, while I stood next to him.
I finally blew up and was destroyed by what he told me. He told me that life and making love with me was boring, he told me he fantasized about what those women’s physical relationship was like, he told me if I lost weight I’d be more attractive and that he wanted me to dress differently and get all ‘dolled up’ as he put it.
I felt and still feel sick to my stomach about his confessions.
To me, it feels like I’m no longer good enough and he wants me to become someone else. I feel like I need to perform in the bedroom and I no longer feel good about myself.”
Read on if you, like Julie, no longer feel loved…
Here are the most common signs your husband is no longer attracted to you. (The same counts for any other gender!)
He has changed his behaviour towards you.
He makes no effort to please you in any way.
He treats you with contempt.
He stonewalls you (deliberately ignoring you completely).
He stays out longer and more often (at work, out with friends, etc.).
He no longer compliments or thanks you for anything.
He criticises the way you look – your hair, your clothes, your body.
He turns away from you when you turn towards him or her.
11 signs your husband is no longer physically attracted to you
He avoids going to bed with you at the same time
He avoids looking at you when you’re naked
He no longer spontaneously touches you
He appears to just ‘go through the motions’ when making love
He may kiss you, but it’s so short and lacking in passion and warmth that you immediately feel rejected
He pushes you away when you’re seeking a physical connection
He seldom initiates making love
He’s reluctant to pleasure you
He pushes you away
He may come up with all sorts of excuses when you want to make love
He turns away from you when you turn towards them.
Has your spouse avoided commenting on that outfit you just bought, said something derogatory or brushed you off completely?
It’s no surprise then if you feel unloved, rejected and insecure.
First of all – this is an uncomfortable one but has to be said – particularly if your spouse turns away from you when you turn toward them check in with your dentist. If you have an infection in your mouth (or a digestive problem), your breath might cause your spouse to turn away.
So, the next thing to do is to take my test (no email needed) to find out if the two of you are actually compatible…
Have you been able to accept your partner mostly without wanting to change him or her?
Is your partner generally thoughtful?
Does he/she talk to you about important decisions?
Are you absolutely sure you both do – or do not – want children? Or if you have children, are you generally in agreement on strategies and major decisions?
If you have children, how sure are you that the way you observe them treat your children is as respectful and caring as when you are not there?
Do you consider your partner to be your best friends?
Is your partner happy for you to spend time away, for example for a business trip, a holiday with friends, a workshop, etc?
Looking back over your relationship, have you on the whole felt happy, even if not of late?
Are you happy with your partner’s values and beliefs?
If your partner doesn’t tend to say: “I love you”, do you feel loved anyway, even though they don’t use those exact words?
Is your partner interested in what makes you tick?
Would you trust your partner if they called you to say they can’t get home for what appears to be a good reason – stuck at work, at the airport, missed a train, etc?
Do you feel physically attracted to your partner?
With regards to your physical compatibility, do you feel comfortable enough to ask for what you want?
With regards to desire – do you feel that your partner wants you more than she or he needs you?
With regards to libido – does your partner understand, without any judgement, that passion comes and goes?
Can you have a decent conversation about the things you disagree on?
When you do row, are you able to genuinely make up relatively quickly?
Could you cope, without resentment, if your partner became dependent on you for a period of time because of a physical condition?
Could you cope, without resentment, if they became dependent for a period of time because of mental or psychological condition?
Does your partner contribute toward joint bills equally, relative to their earnings and situation?
Are you able to let your partner have the space and time to pursue their interests without your feeling neglected – within reason?
Do you agree on what – within reason – means?
Would he or she support you if you had to take care of/spend more time with your family?
Has your partner introduced you to her or his friends?
Would your partner be understanding if you suddenly had to work longer hours or work at the weekend because you felt it would further your career or allow you to change direction?
Do your arguments start harshly with much negativity, e.g. destructive criticism and sarcasm?
Do complaints about your behaviour turn into criticism about you as a person?
Have you given up on trying to talk things over?
Are you leading almost separate lives?
Your score is: …
My advice to Julie and you, if don’t think your husband is attracted to you anymore
I am so sorry to know how youve been so hurt by your husbands remarks, Julie. I can totally understand that this has undermined your self-esteem. Oh, how you wish hed be a supportive, caring and considerate husband.
Ive written an article on building self-esteem as, sadly, youre not the first person to write to me with this kind of problem.